maandag 22 augustus 2011

my legs hurt

i am in pain
and i have show it to myself
and the world
let them
know about
my suffering

i feel it just a little
but not enough
tomorrow i will feel it completely

let go
close your eyes
start again

i am not done yet
the punishment always wins

what's the point
nobody listens

I don't even listen
people tell me so.

what they don't know is that i have an archive of words
in my head
sometimes they bother me at night
when the lights are out
and i have given in to the darkness
i hear their words
repeating conversations in my head

nobody listens.
but as a reader who reads between the lines
i heard what you were saying
by just looking at you.

i wish i wasn't invisible.
i'm here
all you have to do is open your eyes

people don't listen
I'd rather be blind than deaf
I'm glad I paid attention when
those nuns taught me how to type blind

I don't need sight
to hear the colorful birds sing in the morning

See me
Recognize me
Indulge me
Record me
Love me
Hurt me
Leave me
Hate me

Don't ignore my flesh
my blood
the cracks in skin
the lines in my face

my legs hurt
my back aches
I have been standing in the
exact same position
like a Rodin statue
at the same place under the concrete tunnel
at the hotel where they charged me triple the amount for a beer
where you left me

I took the elevator
walked through the corridor
slipped my card key in the door
and went to bed

But I never left.


If you would
untie your laces

You would know what it means
to walk in my shoes

I have blisters.

13 going on 30

I made it this far

or is it
the other way around

I can't believe I wasted a whole year
on getting wasted
but what's my waste
to the wasted hours spent by a desk clerk

I hope next year I will be a better human
I hope that I won't be as self involved and considerably conceited

It would be nice to have real conversations
and meet people
real ones
hear their words
and their thoughts
and show them
I don't need attention
as much as they do

so pay attention to this when i say
I want to be able to listen
to hear them preach
to metal machines
building crap in the ground
to the horns of cars
to the cats next door
to beautiful records
and distorted sounds
to my stomach that growls
the knocking on the door
to the bats and owls 
woman's heels clicking on the floor
to the wolf that howls
the cracking of mirrors
and laughing of landlords

I hope I won't be saying the same thing
as I did last year

Making a point

of course
we don't see eye to eye on most points
but I am sure that this hold over me

this spell
this game
this waste of time
this misogynistic masochism of mine

has some point
a certain point
a bigger dot
or even just a small one

that we can both agree on in the end

I want to make sure I am there
when the lines are being drawn

from point A
to point B

A lazy motive

Some morning
Some day
Some place
I will guarantee you
I will write something
Without having to pour myself a drink
Or what you would call "A motive".

Just you wait.
I will surprise you fools
Critics and Non Believers wet your panties in the sink
so we can call it a day

It's not that easy standing by
I know
I have been on stand by for decades.

Substance makes it easier.
It also makes you more simple and hollow
but that is a different chapter all together.

I'm very lazy
and I do not know where to begin
I only know where to end.


I wake up at noon on a mean sunday morning

The light cracks in to the room
this yellow blanket is too warm
I throw it off turning around
hand under my pillow
pretending to sleep
as I hear my Mother's shoes clicking on the stairs
walking through the hallway and entering my room

I turn once more when I feel her warm kisses on
my shoulder
my upper arm
my elbow
on my cheek
wake up she says with a big grin on her face

Everything but a grin on my tiresome face
I look old as I brush my hair back to cover my forehead

I wake up at noon on a mean sunday morning
throw off the sauna also known as cover
throw on a sundress
that leans so gently
on the leaning
of my mother's couch

I splash water in my face
and in my belly
I see myself sitting down

I shove my feet in these rundown black boots
that I have worn for more than two years

Mother calls again
and it's starting to bother me

She means well

I go downstairs with my rundown face and I stuff my tired mouth
The catalyst runs

My care takers know what's best for me.