dinsdag 8 juli 2008

When it rains, it pours

"Someday a real rain will come and wash all this scum off the streets."

I think it's time I started writing again. You can thank some godforsaken, however beautiful, pradaboy for this, I must admit, I was inspired to actually write something proper again. This weather may have been the first sign of something real again, it's like the reality has been kicking at my door and suddenly burst, not through the door, but came down hard from the sky. Rain is a symbol of cleanliness, it washes away the dirt, and the sins and all that is naturally not right, i guess. Maybe this is a good thing, I am sitting here alone at my cool little mac, staring at the beautiful kids on the screen, looking outside at an empty street, it mirrors the world, outside my window is where the real world is, I think it's time to shut the blinds again, wait it's too early for some wine, is it?... Everything is flooded. I have been running around in circles for the last couple of months and working so much, I chose not to think. This is when I thrive, this is when I am in the best state of mind, the state of numbness. Every day was different from the next, you never knew what would hit you, now everything seems so silent and calm, and this is leaving me anxious, fuck, it can't just be me, i don't know what to do with all this time on my hands. Living the dream leaves you sometimes begging for structure and normal, petty things. Reality is that dreams are not always worth considering, let alone making them come true. If you work hard you will fullfill all of them, i am a perfect example of this. But trust me, when you have reached those highs - that many only wish they could get a glimpse of - it's hard to come down from the cloud, and the lows (read: normal days for normal people) just make you fucking depressed.

I have been shooting so much lately, I'm at my best being a photographer, a documentary maker. Lately I have been documenting young guys and girls, models, kids who have everything going for them. They still have that sparkle in their eyes, hope if you want to call it. I think I have that sparkle too, but only when everything is going exactly how I want it to be. Looking at all this from a distance, the distance becomes real and it does get you lonely sometimes, especially when there's nothing that can satisfy you more than success. I stare at them, from the outside trying to look in, and it's all fucking fantastic, but also very tiring. Not because they are so different, or young, or exciting, and full of life. Because you've been there, you were them, and you want to go back to that. I am okay with being a bit shallow, if you want to call me that. Don't worry i do get sick of it also, the empty words and plastic layers are sometimes so thick, it sometimes feels like i am suffocated by it. Is it something that comes with the job, in this small society, where everyone talks about each other, but no one really says anything? I can't get used to unjustice, but I believe in karma, and I also believe in myself and you can't rip that away with just a few stories about me, I do admire your guts though. It must be hard to look in the mirror, if you are living a lie, no? It's all one big acid trip that I am a playing a part in, I am tired of just 'a' part, fuck it, I am going to take the lead soon. But first, I need, no, I neeeeeed a trip, a journey to another city, another gloomy view from my window. I need a change, and it has too come quick, because this is all too familiar, and we all know that familiarity - something you get used to - is not something I do well.

"Loneliness has followed me my whole life. Everywhere. In bars, in cars, sidewalks, stores, everywhere. There's no escape... My life has taken another turn again. The days can go on with regularity over and over, one day indistinguishable from the next. A long continuous chain. Then suddenly, there is a change. " - Travis Bickle, Taxi Driver