woensdag 17 september 2008

valuable time

I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour
but heaven knows I'm miserable now
I was looking for a job, and then I found a job
In my life why do I give valuable time
To people who don't care if I live or die ?
In my life why do I smile at people who I'd much rather kick in the eye
- The Smiths

woensdag 10 september 2008


the cars are racing by, we are walking away from edie and i am so close now, it all feels so familiar. a ticking clock in one hand, sweat in the other, in true uncertain manner i follow my own advice and realize it's time for action. time is running away again, and maybe it will have company soon. i have learned that even slow motion keeps moving forward eventually, so i hand over the attack of reason, or book if you want to call it by it's name. some rapid eye movement follows, while i look for clues on the one standing before me, i am intrigued. i get hit in the face by what has just been triggered and i get a hint from my mind, i need to get out of here. exit the scene and replace it for another one. i am suffocating from the open air, or are am i standing to close to an edge? looking into the abyss, i am pretty sure this gap wasn't there before? a short drive where i hold on tight follows. quick goodbyes after i jumped off, i cut an invisible cord and head in the only direction i know where i am welcomed with open arms. i ignore the tourists with a deadly look as they are trying to approach. eye on the prize baby. pacing forward like i am in need for a fix, i am full speed ahead, am i on acid, or what is happening. the adrenaline rushes me back to life, this is kicking me up so high, i am untouchable.

a new sun wakes me up and persuades me, yes, i am back in the real world again, my nights are long, but in the morning everything that once was colored turns into a desaturated blur. so i get up, don't get dressed, because why would i, and i wait for hours on end for that call. there's work waiting for me, but i am unable to focus. sitting there looking outside, looking at the pictures, looking at
a distraction so firm, insane i know, the distance blossoms, alter my reasoning, i need a break from you. spending all my time waiting, hoping for anything out of the ordinary putting me on the map again. that unusual boom you know you need when you are feeling this low, something that would blast me high up there standing firmly on the edge again. maybe i can buy a one way ticket to a world of madness. a week of nothing to mention leaves me quite non existent. later on, fixed like a fox, imagining it all so different, i say nothing of importance. drinking my coffee, pretending this is casual, we gaze and wish we were at other places. thinking stuff that doesn't make sense, nothing real at all. dreams and days merging into full blown daze. sensing a feeling, about to purge, noticing i am damaged. weak like never before, triumph lost, i dissapear.

a few days pass, lose the need, the urge, the ache. suddenly i get a huge break, higher than ever i feel alive, i am fucking alive. existing once more, i breathe with a passion, my veins are open to whatever comes next, a whirlwind of new exciting adventures grabs me by the hand and we walk on the same sidewalk, i am certain of where i am heading, up, and away

"He never really looks at me
I give him every opportunity, In the room downstairs
He sat and stared, In the room downstairs
He sat and stared
I'll never make that mistake again - The Smiths"

dinsdag 2 september 2008

never there

touching the void,
everything is so hollow
am i invisible
can't face my way
this is it, wish you'd follow.
so unevolved,
yet i am trapped

you don't worry
if i turn and burn
i am aware
never truly awake,
the grasp is there
moments i wait for
will never come
never there,
where they ever?

passed a point
can not come back
hard ways at hand
made my bed,
anything to take it back
there's no denying
i tried my best
no more tragedies
never there
where they ever?

you suffer my happiness
a queen in masking misery,
always waiting
for an imaginary event
never there,
waiting forever


"you are all i need. i'm all the days you choose to ignore. just want to share your life. i only stick with you, because there are no others. you are all i need. i'm in the middle of your picture, lying in the reeds."

we are living through a wall,
so close but i am far,
what once was easy so forced now.
tonight, it seems like miles ahead before i am back
where is my destination,
our journey was unreal,
consuming me every day
a glow was your gift to me,
when did it leave?
make me feel
make me feel

take me back to the fire
we have been warned,
we are burned
a fast road once led us,
have we passed talking?
a flame under my hands,
burns on my skin,
should we sit and talk
this night should end,
i wake up tomorrow,
the flame still burns
wish i'd feel, light the fire
make me feel
make me feel