maandag 29 december 2008

never settle for less

i'm so in love, i'm so in love, i'm so fucking in love... with something.
this feeling is ultimate, this is the desperate need of wanting to get out, out of the ordinary, out of this town, this godforsaken place where people come to huddle up and make babies, to pat themselves on their backs for another well spent day at the grey office faking smiles and shaking hands with anyone but a brain, in this town where people claim they have found peace, i feel as though i have died and this is my sanctuary, this is where my remains are lying, yet instead of rotting away , these limbs are still moving, and growing as i pump myself full of energy, full of alcohol and food, to feel something, to feel as though i am still here. the days go by and i have no strength to keep them in their place, and just sit their waiting for something, just as i am sitting here, waiting for something. but what is it that we are waiting for. we need to open our eyes and make amense with what we have and stop complaining, or, we need to grab ourselves up, break ties that are formed during the years and flee, away in to the sunset, we ride and we walk, and we forget how to talk, it's not an option. the fear of being alone in this journey is what keeps me from running out of the fucking door. the positive effect of this repetitive choice to stay in this lost town is that i am happy, often, not always, but some moments are really rare gems, that many of you will never have in their life, it is a true and uncontrollable love taking over the wheel of my life, and not to be taken away by such a fool's choice as choosing the unknown path to possible perfection. there i have put it in writing once again, the choices we make, the ones we can never speak about in public, let alone write in black on white, the doubt we never speak of, the pros and cons, and there are so many many of them, it will take a life time of figuring out. what it is i want out of life, what it is that makes me stay in the same place, being bored out of my skull and not doing anything about it, being totally aware of this situation, and yet still giving in to it, what is it that i so very much crave for another kind of life, to be excited by it, to find yourself really alive?? i hope for more meaning, and i am going to seek for it, i will never stop this journey, and don't worry even if you think i've settled down, know, that i am still looking for answers i will never find, and that i will never settle peacefully with just 'making the best out of it', for i won't settle for less than pure living, and craving for more, for more, more..

vrijdag 12 december 2008

back and back again

Losing my way then finding it again, only to lose it a few fucking minutes later. standing in another point now, looking so certain, feeling like a completely new me, or maybe like the old me, about to take over the world, stronger than ever and ready for action... that was me a few minutes ago. the magic of rest really has effect on your energy, health and inspiration. if only my mood was so easily influenced, it still changes from good to bad in seconds, from happy to sad, nothing inbetween, being thrown off by the usual, unbelievably so, i keep coming back for more. fuck it, i'm going