donderdag 9 juli 2009


the night is long in paris, especially when you have no plan, we take out our phones and call the people we don't even know that long, the strangers we just met, to feel some sort of social belonging. Our hopes are getting up to spend one more evening like the one we had before. An addiction starts to take us over, the search for that infinite rush makes us mad, as we keep looking for familiar marks that brought us to the nights where we lost ourselves completely. We want to find the path to freedom, to revive the moment, to relive our memory, with all the same characters in it, the ones we've cherished, the ones who made us laugh, who took us over the edge, the ones we've already said goodbye to and have forgotten us.

We move to another nameless place and find ourselves lonely in a capital city where we would imagine greatness is bound to happen. It's always another adventure to go in to the night alone, not knowing what will cross our path, but anxious, and out of breath, waiting for someone to rescue us from the quiet alley we're waiting in. We walk around looking for that spark, that moment we had, that high that we have felt before, desperately, seeking for it in every corner, and our faces change from hope in to something else as time passes by. As the sadness is about to take over, we refuse and force to walk another route to paradise. Dissapointing faces change in to smiles, another location is found to keep us for the night. Hand in hand we walk in to oblivion, our hearts racing, knowing what will come next, we are filled with new found hope. Time has come again to take us to that other level of sanity, or insanity as some people would call it, we don't care, this is what we've been searching for. We take it in with one last breath, we are here, no regrets, everything is possible from now on, boundaries change in to bonding, friends in to fornication, under the influence we speak fluently, a new day is about to rise, the sun comes up and lights the room up with whiteness, a proof of life, when the night changes in to day and we don't even know where we are, or how we will get home, we are here, as we are awake, alive, deadly and ready for more...Anything to keep us from sleeping, anything but that...

maandag 6 april 2009

the final bow

Walk in Silence

"People like you find it easy,
Naked to see,
Walking on air.
Hunting by the rivers,
Through the streets,
Every corner abandoned too soon,
Set down with due care.
Dont walk away in silence"


Where were you when you sat there in the rain with me, body to body to gain heat, holding an umbrella above our heads? The romantic set up was like something out of a movie, so perfect and almost too cliche for it's own good. Our legs shaking from the cold or from the music, hands in my pockets, whispering and looking away, my eyes are open, but instead of gazing at you I look up to see the black night taking a hold of me, tightening it's grip firmer within minutes. In an imprisoned state all I could see was the lights of the black and white movie screen, the occasional couple in front of us showing affection, the projected love story heading for disaster, and next to me a fine-looking prankster without a clue. We were complete strangers trying to be comfortable with each other, friends as you will. I have never felt so invisible. If only you could have seen inside of me. We listened to Joy Division songs, shared a few drinks and laughs, all the while watching Sam Riley as Ian C. going through the exact same heart ache as I was going through. I wanted to shake you and scream; Love is tearing me apart, too. The night was terribly cold for August, and the rain kept falling, as I was falling. Why couldn't you see, why didn't I say something? The end credits rolled in, the final song "Atmosphere". Where were you when the music was telling you exactly what i was thinking?

"Walk in silence, Don't walk away, in silence." - Joy Division

zaterdag 14 maart 2009

A change of speed, a change of style.
A change of scene, with no regrets,
A chance to watch, admire the distance,
Still occupied, though you forget.
We'll share a drink and step outside,
An angry voice and one who cried,
We'll give you everything and more,
The strain's too much, can't take much more.
I've walked on water, run through fire,
Can't seem to feel it anymore.
It was me, waiting for me,
Hoping for something more,
Me, seeing me this time,
Hoping for something else.

taken from - joy division - new dawn fades

donderdag 12 maart 2009

i'm not your friend

"Didn't understand what to see. Yeah, then I got a different view
It's Wait, I'm gonna give it a break.
I'm not you friend, I never was." - The Strokes

donderdag 5 maart 2009

"Time weighs down on you like an old, ambiguous dream. You keep on moving, trying to sleep through it. But even if you go to the ends of the earth, you won't be able to escape it. Still, you have to go there- to the edge of the world. There's something you can't do unless you get there."
-Haruki Murakami (Kafka on the Shore)

Some things you don’t know you miss until, out of nowhere, you have them back, or have them back but back all wrong…The way, after a dream, where you’ve kissed someone who, in real life, you’ll never kiss again, maybe you’ve never kissed at all, you wake up and realize, in the throbbing pit of your stomach, how impossible it is to live without kissing them again.
— Jerry Stahl, Perv—A Love Story

The masochist desires to experience pain, but he generally desires that it should be inflicted in love; the sadist desires to inflict pain, but he desires that it should be felt as love…
— Studies in the Psychology of Sex

zondag 1 maart 2009

the passenger

Do you remember how we used to curl up in to one another, how we could lose ourselves in one look, lashes locked together, the stroke of your hands made my hairs stand up, as they still do when you touch me.

Do you remember when we laughed so hard I almost had a stroke, and all those times I cried because of the shit hitting the fan again, probably over some stupid stunts I'd pulled, because yeah, you would never do anything out of the blue

Nothing you do is strange to me, there are no surprises, no big gestures, and everything is common ground. I am so used to everything, I wonder who you are or who you could be without me, as I do the same for me, what would my life be if I wouldn't have you to pick up the pieces behind me, would I get lost in all my travels, and jump start my carreer in to oblivion, would I come back home at night after another succesful day and simply find myself alone, with no funny man to share my stories with? Who would laugh at my stupid jokes? Would I be a different person at all ? Would I want to know all these things ... without you?

Do you remember those days before we went numb, we really felt something... something special, extraordinary, pure, unconditional love, real heart.

Do you remember the dark nights of endless talk, the unsaid words, the discoveries of your feelings and mine, getting to know everything there is to know about your person and vice versa, and how long that took for both of us to really open up.

I feel like the odd one out. A stranger looking in, often looking for a way out. Out of the ordinary, I want to shake into you some real life. Make you see what it is I'm talking about, feeling that blood gushing through your veins, THIS IS IT! THIS PURE FUCKING HIGH called livin it up, is driven by Impulse, usually involving some Random acts of Foolishness or self destruction, and Excitement for all things New and uncommon. We need absolute rushes where you lose yourself, where your mind is wrecked out of control, and where for once, you don't have to think. I would let you understand, bring you with me on this crazed, confused and unexpected journey. If you would let me, that is. The trick is: Take Risks. Throw off all shame you've garnered over the years and Finally: Give in! Logical living equals Methodical, or Planned living, equals Elderly. No one has to live this kind of life willingly. This plan will get in to motion when you are either a) in a hospital b) in a retirement home, in either way, kill me now.
If I could I would drag you with me outside and do everything for you that you couldn't, I would face your fears for you, I would kick in some doors for you and close old ones, I'd take away the pain you'd experience during this one way ticket ride..except I can't. Face it: The world is passing by and you are missing out.

Do you remember when I tried to get you to speak to me when you were mad, talking to you in all kinds of tones and shifting moods every two seconds while doing so, no matter what, i would wait forever for you to give in, to talk to me, to give me that hug and tell me that you'd love me once again. Now, i don't try so hard anymore....

Do you remember when our safe little world shattered, and we had to trade it in for another kind of world. The moment when we knew life had it in for us, and we were not spared just because we were cute, here it was where our fairy tale life ended, and finally realized we were vulnerable, that we too were heading for a - hopefully long - bumpy road ahead leading to our inevitable demise. As long as we were together we could deal with it,...

Do you remember when simple things were enough to keep us satisfied, and as the years go by, we start to wonder, we evolve, we grow up and don't want to miss out on anything. As a result we miss out on each other,..

I remember all of these things. You can't help it, and I can't help you BE you, so maybe we should just let each other be who we really are for once. Let's take a ride and see how many things we can do alone or together. I have no idea where this ride will take me, As long as I don't crash and burn i am willing to ride it out

As bowie put it, we are absolute beginners,...

"Well see the stars that shine so bright
The sky was made for us tonight" - iggy pop - the passenger

zondag 8 februari 2009

ooooohhh when i'm dead and gone

I love you night and day.
When I leave you baby
Don't cry the night away.
When I die don't you write
No words upon my tomb.
I don't believe
I want to leave no epitaph of doom.

And the day will end for some As the night begins for one

As I was walking the black empty streets leading to nothing, I looked at you and remembered, I danced with the devil, as I sold my soul in the twilight city again. Wild at heart, we hear ourselves echoing in the streetlights. There are no people around. We live in the night, like we're lost in the day. The days that pass by so fast, sometimes are so slow, let's fast forward to another world. Your eyes are out of control, I can keep you sane. We walk for hours, until I left back home, where I danced out of joy. I want to sleep until the night comes to take me again. Here it's where my life begins. The kids are dressed fresh, and everything is well, as we are ready take over the world. We dance and kiss, and nothing is real. Until truth knocked me back on my feet, a sharp pain is what I feel. I gaze at the tragedy happening right in front of me, about to burst right on the floor.

I rush out, I want out, I'm strung out, while I move forward through the crowd
The strange faces of tonight are a blur as I flee the stairs to solitude, I spin from left to right, I look down, I notice this black hole in my body. Dark fluid starts leaking out of the wound and ruins my latest purchase; a charcoal silk dress from La Fayette. Just as I start to collapse, invisible hands grab my throat and start to squeeze. there goes my life. I need to escape, I feel like a wreck. This ruined everything you are. Stars are crashing down, my soul's crushing. I try to grab my stuff, when I realize I am a mess on the second floor. The quiet backroom and it's concrete walls save me, a second ago I was cool. The only strangers here leave an empty impression, I walk up to them in tears, like this is just another day, I try to bum a cigarette. Leaning with my elbows on the railing of the upper floor I look down at the unknown crowd losing their innocence. You are in the middle of this chaos. I turn around, I wonder, can I leave this, and everything else behind me. I want to go home. When it hits me I am stuck in this place, I face up to it and give in to the night. I throw off all shame, hit the liquor in front of me, pour this medicine in the wound, I am pleased I am being cleansed. There's nothing better than to rinse this dirt away and keep it from perverting me further. I want to drown all of this in spirits. As I slowly start to heal, everything becomes a blur, as we strut around Rue de Rivoli. This is where we lose our soul for good, we love, we forget, we spin around, we fall,... we fade into oblivision. I stumble in to the taxi when the birds are about to wake up, I want absolution.

"Solemn faced, The village settles down, Undetected by the stars. And the hangman plays the mandolin before he goes to sleep. And the last thing on his mind is the Wild Eyed Boy imprisoned

Staring through the message in his eyes, Lies a solitary son." - David Bowie - Wild Eyed Boy from Freecloud.